Monday Quick Takes...

Some quick takes:

1) Every now and again I have to stop smashing the patriarchy long enough to have a dance party....

2) I spent way too much time yesterday trying to guess who made the anonymous comment on my blog. Like I woke up thinking about it and I went to sleep thinking about it. Lame!

While I certainly welcome spirited discussion, I don't think my blog is the place to do it. This is called "Jamie's Moments of Beauty" not "An Open Forum for Discussion of Socially Incidiary Issues." Just a thought...

3) In light of the anonymous blog post and my hours of wondering who might have written it, I have also realized that I might be a little paranoid....I spent a lot of time wondering who was the snake in the grass...the friend who put an (anonymous) knife in my back....I entertained lots of reckless speculation. This was further fueled by the fact that I've heard that some of my friends think I'm "too wrapped up in baby" to hang out with them anymore. And that this means I don't care...or like them...or some other high school sort of drama....

Here's the thing: I admit to having a touch of the high school drama-monger/gossip left in me. I don't like this side, and I'm working on it. But, with that being said, I'm feeling a little bit attacked. I try really hard to be a good friend, mother, sister, wife, and any other role I play. Sure, I might appear a little cutting sometimes, but sarcasm is part of my DNA. Also, I really am not a judgemental person. As we've established in writing group, what I do is Marvel At-- not Judge the differences of other people.

So, all that's to say, cut me some slack. Baby takes up lots of time. Especially as I'm the work-from-home parent. Try to find ways to hang out with me that are baby-friendly. And I'll try to sneak away every now and again for quality adult time. (A final note: I totally felt the same way about some of my friends before I had Liam...)

4) Ok, enough about me. You're all wanting to hear about Liam? The news: 2 teeth on the horizon and almost through. He is almost running, which he does in a wobbly sort of way like Frankenstein. (We call him Chunkenstein). He loves having 2 dogs, and he's good at petting them gently (most of the time). His favorite food right now is either vanilla pudding, blueberries, or cottage cheese. Also, he adores the vacuum...

5) We've started packing, which means lots of boxes for Liam to climb on. Fun! Today I was loading up bags of books to sell/donate. Although we never read these books, I have to admit that getting rid of them always makes me a little sad...

6) The dogs are getting along smashingly...

("Oh, Brutus, I love gazing into your eyes..."-- Sam)

7) Place I wish I was today: Madison, WI. After a morning kayak with Adam and Liam, I'd have lunch at Noodles, then go to the pool with Kim D. and gang, then the free zoo, then leave Liam with them while Adam and I headed off for drinks and dinner at The Great Dane...

Have a great day!

Feminism: An answer to my anonymous critic...

Wow! I certainly got somebody mad with my Feminism post.

I'd love to take a second and address that person personally.... but, I can't because they left the comment anonymously. (!!)

Really, I appreciate the feedback, and I think you brought up some really good points that made me reconsider some of what I said, but how annoying is an anonymous comment? As they say, be a man about it, and show your face!

Hehehe.

That being said, I feel the need to run over a few of the finer points of that post and the reaction to it (especially since many of my closest friends have reacted in a way that makes me feel like I've kicked their elderly grandmother in the spleen or something).

1) I would like the record to show that I am still, and always will consider myself, a feminist. I think it's important for women to assert themselves and their value. What I was trying to convey in that last post, however, was that in the last few years (of married life and motherhood), the notion of feminism has taken on unexpected nuances. That was my point in bringing up the Peggy Orenstein article-- because she is a die-hard, bra-burning, march-to- smash-the-glass-ceiling feminist, but her new role as mother to a girl who likes Princess stuff has led her to reconsider (or at least consider) some of her positions. I feel the same way. For example, now instead of gut reacting against gender roles, I find that occasionally Adam and I slip into them, and it works, and no one is oppressed, and that's fine. This realization is not meant to denigrate the struggle of all the women who have come before me, but one that makes me wonder about the new face of feminism....and how it plays out in individual lives....

2) Regarding mothers, stay-at-home or working: my anonymous critic has rightfully pointed out that envy is not good for anyone. And, I wholeheartedly agree. I got a little carried away in that last post, so forgive the touch of hyperbole. Envy is a destructive emotion and I try to have as little of it as possible in my life. Also, following the above speculations on the individual, daily face of feminism, I absolutely concede that it is ridiculous to try to make normative judgements about mothers...so, for that I apologize...

3) Regarding daycare/childcare/somebody else raising your kids: Again, the mysterious critic makes a good point in saying that daycare is a necessity for some people and also that the parents are actually raising their child (ren) thorough guidance, love, boundaries, etc.

Did I mention that I get a bit melodramatic/hyperbolic sometimes? Can I admit that for the longest time I thought every fight with Adam meant a total breakup? Ok, so now you know that about me....keeping that in mind, then know that my comments were not intended as judgement about those of you who put your kids in daycare. I am just really struggling with letting Liam go. And of course I also struggle with the desire to let him socialize in daycare-- which I think would be really good for him-- versus my crazy inability to trust other people with my child. Is daycare a good thing? I don't know. I know a lot of kids who love it, and also a lot of kids who were traumatized by it. All this may be a moot point, as money issues may drive me to work another job and-- you guessed it-- that means daycare for Liam.

4) Regarding abortion: Oh boy! What a can of worms Jamie opened up here! Again, can I say that by me asserting a position on when life begins, this does not mean that:

a) I'm suddenly a Republican

b) That I think victims of rape automatically should have to raise the babies

c) That I'm betraying my liberal ideas

d) Or that I'm a fan of legislating women's bodies. Again, see my thoughts on how this becomes a real pickle that can lead to control of women's bodies in many Muslim countries.

What I did say, all social issues of what to do with pregnant women or unwanted babies aside , is that I think a baby-in-utero is a baby. It is an actual living little person. Not a parasite. Not a glob of cells. But a little life. Therefore, however it shakes out, I think that abortion is an issue about 2 bodies, not just one.

Is that really such a radical statement? Is its logic dastardly? Does it mean that I am off now to murder abortion doctors and stand on street corners shoving gory posters in the face of rape victims?

No. For fu*#'s sake. Really?

But, it does mean that I think abortion kills a baby. So, sure, that's the mother's right to choose. But, I think that's what she's choosing.

Ok, so there you have it, those are my answers to the anonymous post.

Looking forward to all your comments!

Boxers at Home...

Today we brought our sweet, slobbery new dog, Brutus, home...it's looking good so far. As you might expect an epic battle for household dominance is curretly underway...but while there might be 4 men in this house...mama still rules...

Father's Day Thoughts...

"Our family..." said Adam contentedly as we ambled at twilight through our neighborhood. He smiled, then looked a little shocked: "Wow, our family of five!"

"I know, right?" I said, laughing as Liam leaned back in the carrier on my back, stretching like an acrobat to see the sky. "When did that happen?"

Dog, baby, dog...

Our family is growing...growing larger, growing happier, growing to know and love each other better...

It is a beautiful thing.

As Adam just said to me: "Love is seeing more and more of the individual person and loving them more and more for being that person..."

And then, as he also just said to me..."Ok, enough of this weepy-sort-of-such-and-such."

A final thought: tonight on our walk, we walked past someone I knows house. Hers is a sad story. Last year, while she was working abroad, her partner died. He was found dead in the house and she never got to say goodbye. I noticed today that outside her front door, a yellow rose bush was in full bloom. It occurred to me then, that the last time that rose bush blossomed, the man she loved was alive. I started to tell Adam this, and he said, "I know. You don't even have to say it."

And so, I don't think I need to belabor the point, but it is good to cherish those in our lives, to live in the moment, and to love well, laugh often, and live peacefully.

A brief Father's Day Retrospective...

Adam's father's day present...

Guess who's joining our household under the auspices of Father's Day: Meet Brutus!

He's a young boxer who we drove out to Greeneville today to meet. He and Sam had the most romp-tastic time, and we simply couldn't say no. He comes to our house tomorrow..so stay tuned for pictures and stories of how this changes and enhances our family dynamics...

(Note: Our natural inclination is to name dogs after hobbits -- hence Samwise Gamgee-- "Sam"-- our brown, loyal pet...but Brutus is a name replete with funny potential-- for example, just imagine if Sam and Brutus get into the diaper trashcan...as I'm scolding Sam, I can look mournfully at Brutus and utter those famous words: "Et tu Brutai?"...hehe.)

On the mend....

Perhaps this might have something to do with Liam's recent sickness? Hmmmm.....

To paraphrase a quote from Nietzsche (not my usual go-to guy for wisdom): A society can be judged by how it takes its pain and suffering and makes something worthwhile out of them.

Likewise, I suppose people can be judged in the same way. We have had a lot of p & s (of the mild, parent-variety) lately, but I think Adam and I have done a good job getting through this as a couple. Whether it's him offering me a towel at 4am to clean up the handful of vomit I've just caught, or me reminding him that he should strive to be more Hawaii less Moldova in his going-to-work attitude, we are doing a good job supporting each other. The key here is that neither one of us is submerged in self-pity and we both want the same thing- Liam to feel better. Maybe this is one way that having a child helps grow love- through mutual shared sleep-deprivation, punchy laughter, and a sense that we're in this together.

(We are also fighting almost never. Again, because we are working together. As with any couple, we've had our occasional bumps. One of these inspired me to write this sign and hang it by the door: "Fight for each other, not with each other." I like seeing that every time I go out the door. )

Anyway, so Liam has some nasty virus. The pediatrician called it "the crud". Very scientific! It's probably the rotovirus (some strain that he was not vaccinated for). But, good news! He is beginning to hold down a little more food, and he's having a great nap while I type this. Sleep is my magical cure for everything, so hopefully today will be a turning point.

Morning nap! So sweet.

That's it for morning updates. I can't wait to tell you about the book I'm reading! (The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner).

(BTW: I've become a bit addicted to blogging. Lately, I find myself pondering the day's blog entry in the shower every morning. Like, I haven't written about the HUGE month in our backyard yet....Maybe I'll just show you the picture...)

Happy times coming soon... (from a trip to Gatlinburg TN, that we took over Mother's Day).

Adventures in parenting

"You totally get the rock star parent award this weekend," said Adam last night as we got ready for bed. An exhausted, sick Liam lay on the bed between us.

I smiled wryly. We had a rough weekend. And, at the end of it, I felt like I might deserve an award. Or at least a healthy baby.

I went to bed optimistic, but I was puked on at 1 am. This morning (it's 9am), Liam has already thrown up on himself in the car while we dropped Adam off at work. We went to the grocery store after that to get pedialite and wipes. Good thing too about the wipes, because between the checkout line and the car, Liam had the messiest diaper ever. We're talking neck to butt mess. There was a moment there in the parking lot when I truly just marveled at the challenges of motherhood.

Then, it passed, I emptied the groceries out of 2 plastic bags, stripped Liam naked in the cart (did I mention that it is overcast and drizzly), opened the wipes and got to work. I was definitely judged by a few people. I could hear them thinking, "OMG, look at the redneck woman and her poor naked baby. I would NEVER change my baby in the cart like that..."

I'm sure that I thought similar things before, pre-mama-with-sick-baby-time. Did I say in the last post that moms should be envied? LOL. I might retract that slightly after this weekend.

We have a peds appointment in an hour, so fingers crossed, Liam will be on the mend soon.

(Another great Adam quote (said at 7:30 this morning after I called the pediatrician and got a machine that told me the office opened at 8):

"Remember when an 8 appointment was unheard of?"

Yes, I do. Barely.

Feminsim Reprise

If not you, who?
If not now, when?
Now is the only time we have. The past is gone, the future is not here yet.

(Deep thoughts from a plaque in my parent's basement)

I have been thinking a lot about child raising, daycare, working mothers, stay-at-home-moms, and gender roles.

I have always, always considered myself a feminist. Both a practical and an intellectual feminist. Yes, I do understand what each wave of feminism meant for women. In fact, my favorite lecture to teach is the one that accompanies the essay "What's Wrong with Cinderella" by Peggy Orenstein. Opening my students' eyes to women's history and showing them how each wave of feminism was a reaction to what came before makes me happy and it makes me think. (Read this essay! http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/24/magazine/24princess.t.html )

But, in the last year, many of my feminist notions have been challenged and have ultimately changed from unilateral declarations to more subjective perspectives. This is Liam's fault.

For example:

Having a baby has cemented my perspective on abortion. Previously, after a great deal of research on the history of childbirth and contraception, I tended to fall on the side of pro-choice advocates. I got checkups and birth control from the Planned Parenthood clinic down the street from my dorm during college, and I have no religious reasons that offer a dogmatic solution to this issue. Further, after extensive research on Muslim women/girls, I think think there is something to be said for not legislating women's bodies. HOWEVER- the last year has taught me that these thoughts are not really the heart and soul of the abortion issue.

Abortion is not about one body, it's about two. Although I grew Liam, (which is still totally weird), he has never been completely mine. From the moment of his conception, he was Something Other. A not-me/not-Adam hybrid. A third. Applying that belief to the abortion issue is a no-brainer- abortion is murder of another human being. One who cannot speak for himself/herself, but one who has this beautiful future ahead of him/her.

This same reasoning about Liam's personhood has also affected my larger parenting perspective: Liam is not mine to control, he is his own little person- even now. I am his guide. As such, I am lucky enough to get to spend many, many hours with him. But, I have no right to make plans for him, to expect him to become whatever I want him to be. (I think my own parents could have avoided a lot of heartbreak if they had internalized this idea. Many things I have done or my siblings have done were not done to hurt my parents, they happened because me and my siblings are who we are. Nothing more, nothing less.)

Moving on and bringing it back to feminism: let's talk about the notion of working mothers. Sure, I've seen those stickers that say "Every mother is a working mother"

Of course they are- whether they work outside the home or not. What annoys me about this saying, however, is that implied in it is some sort of apology on the part of stay-at-home moms to their working mother counterparts. It's as if the at-home moms had to justify their position and decision to stay at home. I understand this impulse because many benighted souls think that stay-at-home moms do nothing but eat bon-bons and blog all day *(HA!)*, but this slogan is particularly troubling because it overlooks a fundamental truth about having children.

IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, SOMEONE HAS TO RAISE THEM!

There, I've said it.

Children are not some fashionable accessory or some sort of collector's item. Yes, I have worked hard to have a career. Yes, I have a graduate degree. But, I also have a child. And, what I must ask myself is this: do I want to be his primary caretaker? Or do I want to let someone else- like a daycare worker- do it? And also, if I really want it all, then what sacrifices am I willing to make? (In my case, this boils down to cutting out some spending, working from home, and killing the part of my ego that loves going to work, being seen, dressing up, and being in an actual classroom.)

I know I'm oversimplifying the issue- many mothers have to work out of financial necessity or they have these great jobs that they don't want to give up. But still, let's do away with the stigma attached to stay-at-home-moms. They should be the envy of other women.

Just a thought...

7 Quick Takes

Here are 7 quick takes from our week. (I can't figure out how to steal the cute graphic off of Kim D's blog, but this idea comes from her and the Conversion Diary Blog).

1. Housing: It's been a busy week! At the beginning of the week, I was full of gloom and doom a the prospect of tyring to find a rental house that was not Mel's parents house. After a few frustrating days of looking in the paper, checking Craigslist, and seeing one terribly lame house, I decided to sign up with an agency that "brings tenants and landlords together". After parting with $50 bucks, we were given a list of houses. We found a house to rent the very next day! It is colse to A's work, in a quiet neighborhood, on an 1/2 acre (which means yard work for the first time in Adam and I's lives together), has 3 bedrooms, 2 living rooms, a laundry room, and huge concrete basement for storage. It's only $50 more a month than we pay now! I have a great feeling about this house! It's going to be an excellent place for Liam to come into his 2's- and I'm already planning gardening projects we can do together. We move in July 15th, so stay tuned to updates.

2. Poor little Liam is teething in the most ferocious ways. He's 14 months old and only has 2 teeth. 2! Now, his mouth looks like the spine of some underfed dog- all bumps and knobs. Accompanying the teething pain is a persistent fever, random vomiting, and other not-so-nice excretions. Let's hope these teeth make an appearance sometime this week (we are all so tired of him feeling bad!).

3. I just have to share this one because I'm a dork- I bought an iron chiminea at a yard sale across the street today! It was only $20 and I have decided that it is an essential part of our new house-renters lifestyle. I'm already fantasizing about autumn nights, baby tucked into bed, Adam and I sitting on our patio with glasses of wine and a fire in the chiminea....

4. In my third week of being a work-at-home/stay-at-home mom, I think I'm finally getting into the groove of things. Liam and I are having so much fun (other than the vomiting, see above), and I have found that having a routine helps me get more done. While he naps, I write, or blog, or teach my online British Literature class. It's a good deal.

5. I am stumped: how does the women at Conversion Diary.com have enough time to write such a thorough blog with 4 kids? Obviously, she has time management skills that elude me...more on her and her blog later...

6. Adam and I are happy, but would love a vacation. Sigh. Or a night out. But, all this depends on the baby-sleep routine- which is sort of on hold until we move.

7. The Brains and the Muscle of the Operation: So the other night we were having dinner with Ash, Bread, and Loki B. It was great as usual. One of the best parts about being friends with them, however, is the fact that our boys are only 6 days apart. This is excellent because it means a well-stocked changing table, lots of fun toys, and seriously funny moments between the boys. Loki is a quiet, sweet child with a great vocabulary. Liam, on the other hand, is an action guy who is always going. (I think he taught Loki to screech after our trip to the Covered Bridge festival, sorry!). Together, they are trouble- now and for a long time to come we imagine. The pictures tell part of the story....(Can I add that Liam slept incredibly well after pushing Loki around for 20 minutes?)

Have a great weekend!

Addendum to happiness post

Uhm, I am feeling a little self-indulgent about my earlier happiness post. Yes, it sucks that we probably won't get to rent exactly the house I want. Yes, it's a little trying to figure out how to work from home, care for Liam, keep things tidy, and stay fulfilled as a person.

But, really. Jamie. Shame on you.

Did you all hear yet about those 2 American female journalists who have just been sentenced to 12 years hard labor in a North Korean camp? Or that one of them has a 4-year old daughter? I think about them in a cold, dank cell somewhere...I imagine their terror as they wonder, "Will I ever see my family again..." Speaking of bad weeks, imagine what kind of week they have had....or what about the weeks of the women these two were filming? Those who are illegally trafficked across the Chinese border for sex work?

So, yes, I find such counterpoints sobering. And I do appreciate all the many, many good people and things in my life. And I hope these two journalists get home safely. And I wish that life didn't have to be so damn miserable for so many people.

Sigh.

Poolside...

We have a pool that comes with our apartment complex, and we are big fans of the pool. Liam and I go as much as possible, and usually Liam's aunts, uncles, and great-grandma (in a cozy wool sweater as befits a June day) can be conviced to come along.

Uncertainity...happiness...a ramble...

Being a choxer (boxer-chow) is nice and stress-free...now if only Sam's owners could take a page out his book...

What's that old prayer? God grant me the strength to change what I can, the serenity to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference? I think that's close enough.

Well-- long sigh-- that about sums my weekend.

Here are somethings I know about myself:

1) Despite my best efforts at patience, I hate waiting.

2) Although I like adventure and impulse in life, I like certain things to be secure-like jobs or where I'll be living next month. (So, I'd like to be able to jet off to Thailand on a whim, but then have security to come home too I guess is what I'm saying. Hmmm, who wouldn't want that?).

3) Also, I often set my heart on something, throw myself in entirely, and then am crushed to smithereens when it doesn't work out. (This is a pattern in relationships, living situations, jobs, and houses I want to live in...etc.).

The issue at hand: we're just tyring to rent a house. It's nothing major, but argghhh! the stress.

I'm trying to take a page out of Kim D' book (who is also facing lots of job and house uncertainty) and wait and see what happens. Our dream rental house (Melanie's parent's house- which has ample space and a koi-filled pond(!!)) is up for sale, not rental (except with untenable stipulations). Although I REALLY want to live there, stipulations be damned, I've slowly realized that it's not meant to be. Or it will work out if it's supposed to. Or maybe it will work...or something like that.

Like I said, arggghhhh. (LOL-I sound like a pirate who is fraught with anxiety)

I am trying to learn to live with uncertainty. Like my father, I get all worked up from small things, project/emanate/radiate stress, and, in turn, destroy the harmony of my home. That is not how I want to live, so I am working on this.

Generally, my life is filled with happiness. This recent anxiety comes partially from uncertainty and also from a deep need I have for more. More everything: clothes, succesful books (well, any)children, vacations, jobs, time,etc.

This leads me to the question of: when is it enough (of any of the above items)? Is it considered failure in our society to just step back and say: "Wow, I'm really happy with the way things are. I'm not going to change a thing." Is it all too human to seek constant change, and this is why we go for bigger, better, more?

I don't know and I probably need more coffee before tackling such things. It is so my life that a small thing like house-rental-anxiety snowballs into this deep metaphysical pondering of happiness.

Speaking of that, I just started reading this travel book called "The Geography of Bliss". I haven't gotten very far- the author is just at the Dutch Center for the Study of Happiness- but I did find this quote that spoke to me (at least in the mood I'm in):

"(In the past) happiness, in this life, on this earth, was a prize reserved for the gods and the fortunate few. Today, though, not only is happiness considered possible for anyone to attain, it is expected. Thus I (the author), and millions of others, suffer from the uniquely modern malady that historian Darrin McMahon calls 'the unhappiness of not being happy.'"

Hmmm...so I don't quite feel that, not now, not in my life with Adam and Liam. But, I know this malady, it has been mine at other moments.

Anyway, here are somethings that make me happy and clears all the dark clouds of anxiety and uncertainity in one fell swoop:

One more thought for today...

As I continue my quest to find beauty daily, I am often surprised by how much there is all around me. Sometimes it is loud, or bright, or obvious. Other times, it is quiet. Like the stillness in the sleepy graveyard behind my apartment:

Or in the the way my shadow reminds me that I am a little bit like every other woman who has ever carried her baby on her back.

Or in the lushness of a tree full of blossoms.

Or even just in the symmetry of a tree itself. This four-trunked tree reminds me of a ladies fan, especially when it is tangled up in the sunset.

And so, I see aching loveliness all around me. And it's funny that a quick walk around my apartment complex brings me face to face with the transient (blossoms on a tree) and the eternal (sleep of a graveyard). It makes me realize how very short life is, and it reinforces my desire to live fully in the present. To be good to my friends, to love my family, to find beauty in everything...

(And to now stop ignoring Liam for the sake of blog posts! lol)

Today is brought to us by the letter "F"

Action babies!

Festival, food, fun, funnel cake, french fries, fresh-squeezed lemonade, frolicking in rocky streams, fabulous friends...as Ashleigh rightly observed, yesterday was brought to us by the letter F!

(Ash asked the million dollar question that stumped everyone at the festival information booth: "Why cover a bridge?")

Yesterday, in a departure from our usual work-at-home mornings, Ash and I decided to pack up the boys and venture into the heart of Carter County for the first day of the Covered Bridge Festival. Nary a booth was set up, but, there were still enough tasty festival food offerings to make us crow with excitement. As a vegetarian, however, I must admit that festival food is really not the same showboat of extravagance that it once was. No redneck burgers ("With real fried bologna!"), chicken-on-a-stick, hot dogs, or BBQ pork for me. Instead I was left with the fried food group: fried oreos, twinkies, sweet potatoes, veggies, crazy fries, and-- wait for it-- DEEP FRIED MOON PIES!

I am an adventurous girl, but not bold enough for fried moonpies. All told, it was a wonderful day, and it reminded me yet again how nice it is to live in the same town as friends! NowI just wish all my faraway friends would move closer....

Remember that old Tennessee tourism commercial: "Come to Tennessee, we're playing your song..."

Well, now we can promise not just your song, but also some deep fried magic in our neck of the woods!

Liam and Loki and some down home good times:

This last photo is of a woman we met while eating lunch by the stream. She's been rasing the baby duck (the one she has her hand on). In this picture, she's trying to introduce her baby duck to the mallard. Duck play dates!