Feminsim Reprise

If not you, who?
If not now, when?
Now is the only time we have. The past is gone, the future is not here yet.

(Deep thoughts from a plaque in my parent's basement)

I have been thinking a lot about child raising, daycare, working mothers, stay-at-home-moms, and gender roles.

I have always, always considered myself a feminist. Both a practical and an intellectual feminist. Yes, I do understand what each wave of feminism meant for women. In fact, my favorite lecture to teach is the one that accompanies the essay "What's Wrong with Cinderella" by Peggy Orenstein. Opening my students' eyes to women's history and showing them how each wave of feminism was a reaction to what came before makes me happy and it makes me think. (Read this essay! http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/24/magazine/24princess.t.html )

But, in the last year, many of my feminist notions have been challenged and have ultimately changed from unilateral declarations to more subjective perspectives. This is Liam's fault.

For example:

Having a baby has cemented my perspective on abortion. Previously, after a great deal of research on the history of childbirth and contraception, I tended to fall on the side of pro-choice advocates. I got checkups and birth control from the Planned Parenthood clinic down the street from my dorm during college, and I have no religious reasons that offer a dogmatic solution to this issue. Further, after extensive research on Muslim women/girls, I think think there is something to be said for not legislating women's bodies. HOWEVER- the last year has taught me that these thoughts are not really the heart and soul of the abortion issue.

Abortion is not about one body, it's about two. Although I grew Liam, (which is still totally weird), he has never been completely mine. From the moment of his conception, he was Something Other. A not-me/not-Adam hybrid. A third. Applying that belief to the abortion issue is a no-brainer- abortion is murder of another human being. One who cannot speak for himself/herself, but one who has this beautiful future ahead of him/her.

This same reasoning about Liam's personhood has also affected my larger parenting perspective: Liam is not mine to control, he is his own little person- even now. I am his guide. As such, I am lucky enough to get to spend many, many hours with him. But, I have no right to make plans for him, to expect him to become whatever I want him to be. (I think my own parents could have avoided a lot of heartbreak if they had internalized this idea. Many things I have done or my siblings have done were not done to hurt my parents, they happened because me and my siblings are who we are. Nothing more, nothing less.)

Moving on and bringing it back to feminism: let's talk about the notion of working mothers. Sure, I've seen those stickers that say "Every mother is a working mother"

Of course they are- whether they work outside the home or not. What annoys me about this saying, however, is that implied in it is some sort of apology on the part of stay-at-home moms to their working mother counterparts. It's as if the at-home moms had to justify their position and decision to stay at home. I understand this impulse because many benighted souls think that stay-at-home moms do nothing but eat bon-bons and blog all day *(HA!)*, but this slogan is particularly troubling because it overlooks a fundamental truth about having children.

IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, SOMEONE HAS TO RAISE THEM!

There, I've said it.

Children are not some fashionable accessory or some sort of collector's item. Yes, I have worked hard to have a career. Yes, I have a graduate degree. But, I also have a child. And, what I must ask myself is this: do I want to be his primary caretaker? Or do I want to let someone else- like a daycare worker- do it? And also, if I really want it all, then what sacrifices am I willing to make? (In my case, this boils down to cutting out some spending, working from home, and killing the part of my ego that loves going to work, being seen, dressing up, and being in an actual classroom.)

I know I'm oversimplifying the issue- many mothers have to work out of financial necessity or they have these great jobs that they don't want to give up. But still, let's do away with the stigma attached to stay-at-home-moms. They should be the envy of other women.

Just a thought...